Family Support helping to develop positive family relationships
Many thanks to the person involved here for providing this extremely insightful account which will be of great interest to anyone who’s a parent or has experienced a family breakdown:
Looking back my story began a long time ago although the last 18 months have been the critical period of time. I have three boys. I have always found my middle child challenging. From an early age I would find I was always saying his name when there was any trouble. Going back to the early years even at the age of 5 I would be treading on eggshells trying not to upset him. The general feeling for me was if he woke up in a good mood then it would be a good day. There was not only trouble at home, there was trouble in school. School generally cited his immaturity as the problem and said he would grow out of it. I tried to gain parenting help but this was very difficult to come by, I was also looking after 3 boys a lot of the time on my own with no family support and a husband who worked away regularly. I separated from his dad when he was 11.
I moved into my own house with the boys in 2014 and the trouble really started. My oldest child refused to see his dad. My other two would see him every other weekend. They would come back with sweets having being spoiled all weekend. Normal things that happen when parents are separated. I became the big bad bitch. The one that said no. The one that had rules. I would request help around the house. I would get “we don’t have to do anything at dads”. The arguments with my middle child became more intense. He would “tell his dad” and then I would not only have my child to deal with but my ex who would criticise my every move. He was also telling my child I was wrong and should deal with things differently. I may have moved to my own house but it felt like my ex still ruled my life. Things came to a critical point when my son became violent, my child trashed my home, demanding I do things that no child should ask their parent to do and ended up with him assaulting me, me fleeing the house with a bleeding head and horrific bruising to ensure my youngest child didn’t get in the house after school. My son was arrested and charged with assault on two occasions.
Following Social Service involvement we were put in touch with Neil. I and my ex-husband went for the initial meeting to see if he could help us. Even at this first meeting I felt like this could be the turning point. Neil listened, Neil also made sure I had a voice. I didn’t feel belittled, a feeling I often got when discussing anything when my ex-husband was involved.
I began meeting / having regular chats with Neil, these involved my other children and my boyfriend. Everyone was included. Not everyone wanted to be involved and that was difficult for me but Neil was very understanding. It was never judgemental. It was brilliant having someone to “sound off too” that didn’t have any personal involvement or judgement. While I had my chats, my son was also seeing Neil on a regular basis. There were several setbacks along the way with my son and Neil never gave up on him.
From listening and chatting things through with Neil I got more of an insight of how my son felt and what makes him tick. Was the bond when he was a baby damaged due to what I went through 6 months after he was born? Was he kicking against me because my eldest son wouldn’t speak with his dad, did he blame me for that, was it that I had rules? Due to the violence and destruction that I was facing on a daily basis it was difficult to see anyway forward. I was frightened of him. How could I hide that? Deep down I knew none of my requests of help, tidy up etc. were unreasonable but I had lost all confidence to tell him no. He had all the power, if I said no then something was damaged, food was thrown around, threats were made or a sustained period of swearing at me occurred. The impact this was having on everyone was huge. The stress was huge, every day was a daily struggle. Wake up, get ratty, shout, upset everyone and repeat the cycle. That was life.
A lot of my time with Neil was talking about the winners triangle and the victim triangle along with Neil encouraging me to stop being so down on myself. To look at the positives in life. Self-praise isn’t something I find easy and don’t think I ever will. But the other strategies made sense. Can we change this to a win-win situation? How could I have done it differently? Was I really wrong to feel the way I did?
I believe through my time with Neil some of the skills I have learned is to state my case and walk away, the fact is I can’t fix life for everyone. Why should I? We may all want our children to be happy with us but that is fairy-tale stuff. We are all individuals and have different mind sets and needs. People have the right to make their own decisions and be accountable. I believe I have also learned to listen better. Learned to think about things. React less. If something goes wrong do I really have to deal with it at that moment? No I can take time out to think about how to approach it. I have also most importantly I think learned that I am human and I make mistakes. I can say “I did that wrong”. This isn’t a sign of weakness.
My attitude has changed greatly. I used to look at the downside of everything. Be unable to see past what was going wrong. I can now even in the darkest moments take pleasure knowing that things are better than what they were a year ago. They are by no means perfect. I think my son loves me but is very happy to call me names when things are not going his way, very good at casting up the fact I phoned the police on him. I did what I had to do at the time. I was in danger and I can only hope one day he looks back and accepts I didn’t do this because I didn’t love him. I did it because I love him.
I believe my behaviour has also changed. A good recent example was my youngest child telling me “you make all the decisions, it is always your way”. This is a phrase my middle child used to use and unfortunately my youngest has picked up on a lot of them. A year ago this would have had me crying in a corner. Instead I decided to show my son how many decisions he actually makes. Even simple things “would you like tomato or brown sauce with your tea” what would you like for breakfast. Each time point out “that was a decision you made” by the end of the day he was rolling his eyes at me but I think I got my message across without any trouble or trying to justify his thoughts. I am a parent and it’s bloody hard and I have the right to make decisions but that doesn’t mean they don’t get to make any. I believe I am calmer in my approach to things, most of the time! I do have a lapse on a regular basis. If I do I always say “sorry reacted badly there” I still find the change difficult to deal with at times. Sometimes I don’t have the patience to compromise when we leave for work/school in the morning and these times stress me out. I find it tough when you have asked them to be ready at a certain time and it appears they are not going to do it but I do now try to give them much more space to prove they are going to do as asked even if inside I am desperate to scream “please just do it”. I think that makes me human too!
Today things are better, they are nowhere near perfect but that is an unrealistic goal. Better is good. I struggle daily with dealing with the children, question myself “have I done this right” it maybe isn’t wrong to do that but I have to get to the point where I clearly state my case and get on with it. Not fearing that there will be damage or violence on the back of it. I have my son back living with me almost full time. I have learned that there will always be people ready to pull you down, to criticise your efforts or to believe what they want to believe about you. It is hard being told “I know what you are like”, I haven’t been with my ex for 3 years but he still feels he has the right to do this, still feels he knows me best and he doesn’t. He doesn’t see me with the kids but is always willing to stick the knife in while saying “I don’t mean to be nasty” – I find these conversations very difficult. My son goes back and tells his dad very selectively what he wants to hear. Mum hasn’t dealt with this like she would have dealt with me. Even the other day I found myself justifying an incident and being asked “well did he know this had happened” should I really need to explain myself? Does the 13 year old really have to know? The answer is no but as my child believes he has been ill-treated in relation to everyone else I find myself still treading on eggshells. I still need to work on that and become stronger and say, why are we discussing this? I also have realised that contact with my ex is very detrimental to myself. Whilst I wish to maintain contact with him for the sake of my children that contact needs to be very limited. Generally when I do speak with him I feel myself being pulled backwards. My advice is recognise who is good for you and recognise who is bad. It isn’t easy but have faith in what you believe.
Perhaps being stronger in what I believed several years ago would have changed the way things are now. One big learning point is looking back doesn’t fix things. Dwelling on the past won’t help the here and now. You can learn from mistakes, we all make them but cannot dwell on them and need to concentrate on the here and now. I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from what I have been through but to have got where I am today proves I am strong and willing to fight for my kids. I only hope they realise it one day.
Tags: Carers and Family Support, Family/Carers Support
03/06/2016 at 11:02 am
Carers Mindfulness Course – My scepticism was misplaced
This is a sample of the feedback we’ve received on our Carers Mindfulness Course. The course receives excellent feedback and demonstrates high levels of significant improvement using the outcome measure CORE-10.
Have there been changes in your knowledge since starting the course?
If so, what have these changes been?
I have a greater knowledge of different ways of think about and respond to situations. This has given rise to an increased awareness in less helpful thinking styles and when I tend to resort to these. In such instances, this knowledge and awareness sometimes allows me to make choices about my responses far more so than was the case previously. Rather than stepping back from a situation I feel that I am simply viewing it from a slightly different perspective — not engaging with it any less, just is a way that is better for me.
Have there been changes in your attitude since starting the course?
I suppose only in relation to external and larger scale cultural ‘norms’. My attitude towards the more westernised target orientated and performance driven existence has probably shifted somewhat — I guess insofar as I subscribe to this less and less as a driver for my own work, life and development.
Have there been changes in your behaviour since starting the course?
Here, I would say that I am trying more to take time to engage with mindfulness and with undertaking tasks in a more mindful way. I am structuring my time and prioritising things slightly differently and this may yet change further as I develop practices further. Physically, I feel less stressed and more resilient which would seem to be reflected in my pace, urgency and approach to things within my home and work life.
What did you find most helpful about coming on the course?
There are two big parts to this. Firstly, being able to look at, understand and trial the mindfulness practices and approaches for myself. It is something I want to explicitly continue to develop and find myself viewing everyday occurrences in a more mindful way. These tools and strategy, as an outcome to this course, are and (I am sure) will continue to be helpful to me. The second part is that I was able to explore this with other people — share, discuss and reflect on experiences. This process not only helped to understand the different ways in which other people engaged with the practices, but — in doing so — helped me to make better sense of how I was understanding and responding to thigs in my own head (even if this was to discover my acute vacancy on several occasions — Lynne would see that as no great shock!!). The people there provided a very supportive and trusting group — this was invaluable to me.
How did you experience the trainer.
Excellent, as was her glamorous assistant and Neil. In all honesty, I through she was superb and balanced input with time to comment and reflect in an entirely supportive and non-judgemental way. She was able to tease out different aspects of peoples experiences and drew pertinent connections throughout to dimensions of the mindfulness practice. Her guidance through meditations was excellent.
What did you find least helpful?
I sense that this is a trick question to see how mindful I have really become!!! In all seriousness, I don’t think there was anything unhelpful about it. Even the change of location (which could be perceived as more negative for me in some ways) was simply part of the overall experience.
Any other comments/suggestions?
I knew I wanted to do mindfulness but, hand on heart, was sceptical about what I thought it might offer me. I am quite happy to know now how misplaced my scepticism was.
With many thanks.
Tags: Carers and Family Support, FDAMH Training
29/01/2016 at 9:23 am
Family Support – a short intervention can make all the difference
My son and I were referred to Neil Sowerby of FDAMH. My son had had several years of some mental health issues — now improving significantly with appropriate intervention —and we had been having problems with communication. For the most part we have a very good relationship but any discussion of contentious issues could escalate quickly into chaotic communication and result in upset on both sides. Both of us were aware of this but, after the event, neither of us could work out at what point it deteriorated into upset/ negative communication or what the trigger was. It was suggested that mediation may help and subsequently we met with Neil.
We both felt able to speak frankly to Neil and were able to say how we felt during these incidents. This gave both of us opportunity to see the other’s perspective; my son felt I was TELLING him what to do and being overbearing; I felt I was trying to give advice and help him.
With Neil’s help, we agreed to bear each of our feelings in mind when speaking to each other and respect them. I agreed that I would not give advice unless asked; my son agreed that he would not take this as disinterest and would ask if he needed my help for anything.
Since then, our communication has been more effective and the volatility has stopped. We are both grateful for Neil’s help and feel it has had a very positive impact on our relationship.
Provided July 2015
Tags: Carers and Family Support, Family/Carers Support
07/07/2015 at 11:37 am
Learning a different approach with Mindfulness training for Carers
This has simply been the best course I have been part of for many years. I am already embracing many of the aspects of it, and am benefiting from this on a daily basis. It is an enriching experience which I would highly recommend.
I have always been interested in and appreciated the benefits of meditation, but always found great difficulty in applying myself. This course has provided me with the tools to ‘find a way into it’ and fully embrace it — Thanks, Louise. I mention the trainer, Louise, as I do think for me that was a significant element. Louise has a manner of delivery that certainly enhances the experience and made the whole process very accessible, and also (always a plus) very enjoyable.
I am already enjoying the difference in my approach to the little difficulties that crop up in everyday life. For people experiencing trauma & more serious difficulties I believe it would be invaluable. I would highly recommend this course.
Tags: Carers and Family Support, FDAMH Training
30/01/2015 at 12:35 pm
Finding a more positive way thank to FDAMH’s Mindfulness Course for Carers
I have been on a mindfulness course for the past 8 weeks. I have found it very interesting and helpful. It has taught me simple techniques of meditation and how to control my feelings and thoughts. At the beginning of the course my mood was extremely low and I could get very angry and agitated very easily. I can now take time for myself and not feel guilty and I can also control my thoughts and feelings in a much more positive way. The whole group were very nice and open with each other, there was no judgement or embarrassment. All in all I have come away from the course very positive which is a good thing.
Tags: Carers and Family Support, FDAMH Training
30/01/2015 at 12:32 pm
Carers Support Group helped to keep me well
I’d like to say that as a service user FDAMH was invaluable to me. At a time where I felt very stressed and alone due to my partner’s depression the service and support I received was just what I needed. I still keep in touch with a friend I made at the support group nearly 10 years ago. I have recommended the service to others several times now and will carry on doing so. I might have ended up unwell myself if it hadn’t been for FDAMH.
Submitted: April 2013
Tags: Carers and Family Support
02/04/2014 at 12:29 pm